1 Corinthians 7:3-5
3: The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4: For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Like wise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5: Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
3: The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4: For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Like wise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5: Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
.Focus on Your Spouse, Not Yourself
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is direct instruction. Notice that Paul’s emphasis on each spouse focusing not on his or her own rights, but on the spouse’s rights. No where in these Scripture verses does it say “husbands take your rights” or wives “don’t let the other person deprive you of your needs.”
Rather than instructing spouses to worry about their own needs, Paul takes the opposite approach. He says “husbands should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:3).
He then points out how each spouse has authority over the other spouse’s body (1 Corinthians 7:4).
Next he states “Do not deprive one another” (1 Corinthians 7:5). Again, the whole perspective is viewed not in demanding your own rights, but in making sure you give the other person their rights.
In marriage, however, there is usually one spouse who wants sex more (usually the husband). So what’s a man (or woman) supposed to do if they want sex but the other spouse is not offering it? Obey the Scriptures and continue to give rather than take.
2. “Do Not Deprive One Another” Still Applies to the Spouse With the Greater Sex Drive 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 not only means the person with the lesser sex drive should be careful not to deprive the spouse with the greater sex drive. It also means that if the person with the greater sex drives does not use that drive to sexually pursue the other spouse, they are depriving that other spouse of his or her rights.
Each spouse’s sex drive belongs to the other. God made sex good. It benefits a marriage. It connects husband and wives in a special way. Perhaps God has paired you with a spouse with a lower sex drive so she (or he) can be benefited by your sex drive. It makes sense that men typically have a stronger sex drive because God has made the man to be the leader, the initiator, and the head within the marriage. Therefore, the husband denies his wife’s rights to his body when he does not go to her for sexual satisfaction.
This is why masturbation is sinful. Masturbation is condemned through what’s condoned. It is impossible to fulfill 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 if a spouse’s sex drive does not include the other spouse. You are denying your spouse if you pursue any other sexual experience that does not include her or him.
3. The Best Way to Bless Yourself is to Bless Your Spouse
When you read Ephesians 5:22-33, there is no denying that husbands and wives are to serve one another in their marriage. And throughout the pages of Scriptures, you find that this type of sacrificial love not only benefits the one being loved, but the one giving the love as well: In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ephesians 5:28)
In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” (Acts 20:35) For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. (Matthew 16:25) While verses like this are not directly talking about sex, the biblical principle presented here carries over into the marriage bed.
4. Self-Centered Sexual Pursuits Always Lead to Less Sex With Your Spouse
To state this idea in the negative sense, selfish people always reap less sex in marriage. All forms of fake sex (porn, masturbation, fantasies of the mind leads to less real sex because they are self-centered and foster a selfish personality.
Sinful lust make a person self-centered and deepens the ditch of selfishness, which always repulses real people, especially the wife you are suppose to lay your life down for. If a husband has a selfish mentality in sex, which is usually fueled through the fallacy in which porn depicts sex, ironically he repulses his wife with his selfish personality and ends up with less sex in marriage. Women are attracted to men who act like real men.
While the visual presentation of a man is still important to her, the way a man treats a woman will be the biggest factor in whether or not she finds him attractive. Therefore, selfish husbands simply don’t move the needle for their wives. Selfless husbands, however, are truly doing themselves a favor when they place their wives’ emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual needs as one of their top priorities.
5. When You Stop Demanding More Sex and You Stop Wanting Sex So Bad, You End Up Reaping the Benefits Those who get entrenched in fake sex because they want sex so bad are the ones who have the least amount of real sex in their life. . . . “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it” (Matthew 16:25).
Sometimes we need to let our demands for sex go so we can free our spouse from feeling our unholy pressure on her or him. When we “give up our life,” that’s when we truly gain.
So put simply, if you want more sex, and even more enjoyable sex, in your Christian marriage, you must do at least these two things:
1. Pursue and serve your spouse in your marriage, which include the marriage bed.
2. Stop pursuing selfish satisfaction outside the marriage because self-centered people are extremely repulsive an unattractive.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is direct instruction. Notice that Paul’s emphasis on each spouse focusing not on his or her own rights, but on the spouse’s rights. No where in these Scripture verses does it say “husbands take your rights” or wives “don’t let the other person deprive you of your needs.”
Rather than instructing spouses to worry about their own needs, Paul takes the opposite approach. He says “husbands should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:3).
He then points out how each spouse has authority over the other spouse’s body (1 Corinthians 7:4).
Next he states “Do not deprive one another” (1 Corinthians 7:5). Again, the whole perspective is viewed not in demanding your own rights, but in making sure you give the other person their rights.
In marriage, however, there is usually one spouse who wants sex more (usually the husband). So what’s a man (or woman) supposed to do if they want sex but the other spouse is not offering it? Obey the Scriptures and continue to give rather than take.
2. “Do Not Deprive One Another” Still Applies to the Spouse With the Greater Sex Drive 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 not only means the person with the lesser sex drive should be careful not to deprive the spouse with the greater sex drive. It also means that if the person with the greater sex drives does not use that drive to sexually pursue the other spouse, they are depriving that other spouse of his or her rights.
Each spouse’s sex drive belongs to the other. God made sex good. It benefits a marriage. It connects husband and wives in a special way. Perhaps God has paired you with a spouse with a lower sex drive so she (or he) can be benefited by your sex drive. It makes sense that men typically have a stronger sex drive because God has made the man to be the leader, the initiator, and the head within the marriage. Therefore, the husband denies his wife’s rights to his body when he does not go to her for sexual satisfaction.
This is why masturbation is sinful. Masturbation is condemned through what’s condoned. It is impossible to fulfill 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 if a spouse’s sex drive does not include the other spouse. You are denying your spouse if you pursue any other sexual experience that does not include her or him.
3. The Best Way to Bless Yourself is to Bless Your Spouse
When you read Ephesians 5:22-33, there is no denying that husbands and wives are to serve one another in their marriage. And throughout the pages of Scriptures, you find that this type of sacrificial love not only benefits the one being loved, but the one giving the love as well: In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ephesians 5:28)
In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” (Acts 20:35) For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. (Matthew 16:25) While verses like this are not directly talking about sex, the biblical principle presented here carries over into the marriage bed.
4. Self-Centered Sexual Pursuits Always Lead to Less Sex With Your Spouse
To state this idea in the negative sense, selfish people always reap less sex in marriage. All forms of fake sex (porn, masturbation, fantasies of the mind leads to less real sex because they are self-centered and foster a selfish personality.
Sinful lust make a person self-centered and deepens the ditch of selfishness, which always repulses real people, especially the wife you are suppose to lay your life down for. If a husband has a selfish mentality in sex, which is usually fueled through the fallacy in which porn depicts sex, ironically he repulses his wife with his selfish personality and ends up with less sex in marriage. Women are attracted to men who act like real men.
While the visual presentation of a man is still important to her, the way a man treats a woman will be the biggest factor in whether or not she finds him attractive. Therefore, selfish husbands simply don’t move the needle for their wives. Selfless husbands, however, are truly doing themselves a favor when they place their wives’ emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual needs as one of their top priorities.
5. When You Stop Demanding More Sex and You Stop Wanting Sex So Bad, You End Up Reaping the Benefits Those who get entrenched in fake sex because they want sex so bad are the ones who have the least amount of real sex in their life. . . . “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it” (Matthew 16:25).
Sometimes we need to let our demands for sex go so we can free our spouse from feeling our unholy pressure on her or him. When we “give up our life,” that’s when we truly gain.
So put simply, if you want more sex, and even more enjoyable sex, in your Christian marriage, you must do at least these two things:
1. Pursue and serve your spouse in your marriage, which include the marriage bed.
2. Stop pursuing selfish satisfaction outside the marriage because self-centered people are extremely repulsive an unattractive.
You might be selfish sexually if.
Wife's
(1) You see sex as something he has to earn.This can show up in a variety of ways.
Maybe you subconsciously tell yourself, "If he does such-and-such, then I'll give him sex." Or maybe you come right out and say something along those lines to him.
Sex becomes a bartering tool, a scorecard of "you do this" and "I'll do that."
In particularly malicious scenarios, you may manipulate the game the opposite way. You punish him by withholding sex.
Painful damage comes from reducing sex in a marriage to mere commodity, where one person is always in the position of having to "earn" it. There's nothing in God's Word that would support this kind of arrangement.
If anything, 1 Corinthians: 7 gives us a selfless picture of a husband and a wife offering their bodies to each other freely, rather than turning it all into a transaction. We could even go so far as to say that when you make sex something your husband has to "earn," you have prostituted yourself. In your own marriage. And God has pa-lenty to say about prostitution.
(2) You are never willing to try something new.God gives a husband and wife tremendous freedom in the marriage bed to exclusively enjoy one another. Go God! This is one of the sweet privileges of marriage -- you can enjoy 31 flavors of sex, so to speak.
Sadly, too many wives are steadfast on having only vanilla on the menu.
Hey, I'm not saying vanilla is bad (every marriage needs a bit of vanilla sex). But vanilla every time?
Sounds boring. It is no wonder that many husbands want some sexual variety. Variety that is exclusive, mutually valued and acceptable in God's eyes is not only possible, it is what some married couples pursue with passion and love.
(3) You make sexual promises you never intend to keep. This is actually a big complaint I hear from husbands. Their wives either tease sexually or promise sex "soon" -- but then rarely follow through.
Some guys even describe this as a mild form of torture, like setting an ice cold glass of water in front of a man who has been crawling around in the desert. But he never actually gets the water.
He just has to stare at it. Wonder what it would be like to enjoy it.
(I had one man email me this lengthy analogy that sex deprivation in his marriage was like being a starving man chained to a bed in a bakery, but he never gets any bread. He is forced to constantly see the baker baking the bread and smell the bread. But he never gets even a morsel.)
Anyway, I think you get the picture.
The other problem with making sexual promises that you don't keep is that it fuels distrust in the very relationship where you need trust the most.
It causes division, not unity. If your husband doubts your sincerity in sexual availability, he likely doubts your sincerity in other aspects of love -- even if he would never speak those reservations out loud.
(4) You're not willing to understand what sex means to him.So many women assume that sex is just sex for a man -- it's just a release and intense sexual pleasure, but it doesn't have much to do with an emotional or spiritual connection.
Wrong , Especially for the majority of husbands I hear from. Sex isn't just sex. Some husbands are so pained by their wives not understanding the significance of sex that they have asked God to take their sex drive away.
If you have used wide brush strokes to paint your husband into a corner, stereotyping him as nothing more than an animal bent on simply responding to his sexual urges, you have not been fair to the man you love.
(5) You think every sexual request he makes is rooted in porn.Before you think I don't recognize that porn has caused huge devastation to marriages, please remember that I do blog about sex. I hear about and read about many circumstances where porn has in some cases destroyed marriages.
BUT.
We have to be careful in thinking that particular sex acts or positions are inherently wrong simply because they also appear in pornography. Yes, you need to search God's Word and your hearts. No, it's not okay for one spouse to force another spouse to do something or to hurt their spouse, all in the name of sexual pleasure.
But there are a lot of married couples enjoying different positions, oral sex, sex toys, etc. In those situations, pornography is not at the root of that enjoyment.
(6) You just go through the motions but never really show up.If I had a buck every time I hear from a husband who says that he doesn't just want her body, he wants her, I'd be a rich woman.
If your husband is like most, when you offer him obligatory sex or you just treat it all like a big chore to check off your list, he is dying a bit on the inside.
Some wives may say, "Well, what's it really matter any way? He can't tell whether I'm into it or not. I fake it."
In looking back over the above examples of selfishness, do you see any where you can begin to be a little less selfish?
Baby steps count. Take enough baby steps toward nurtured sexual intimacy and you'll be astonished at what it does for your marriage.
(1) You see sex as something he has to earn.This can show up in a variety of ways.
Maybe you subconsciously tell yourself, "If he does such-and-such, then I'll give him sex." Or maybe you come right out and say something along those lines to him.
Sex becomes a bartering tool, a scorecard of "you do this" and "I'll do that."
In particularly malicious scenarios, you may manipulate the game the opposite way. You punish him by withholding sex.
Painful damage comes from reducing sex in a marriage to mere commodity, where one person is always in the position of having to "earn" it. There's nothing in God's Word that would support this kind of arrangement.
If anything, 1 Corinthians: 7 gives us a selfless picture of a husband and a wife offering their bodies to each other freely, rather than turning it all into a transaction. We could even go so far as to say that when you make sex something your husband has to "earn," you have prostituted yourself. In your own marriage. And God has pa-lenty to say about prostitution.
(2) You are never willing to try something new.God gives a husband and wife tremendous freedom in the marriage bed to exclusively enjoy one another. Go God! This is one of the sweet privileges of marriage -- you can enjoy 31 flavors of sex, so to speak.
Sadly, too many wives are steadfast on having only vanilla on the menu.
Hey, I'm not saying vanilla is bad (every marriage needs a bit of vanilla sex). But vanilla every time?
Sounds boring. It is no wonder that many husbands want some sexual variety. Variety that is exclusive, mutually valued and acceptable in God's eyes is not only possible, it is what some married couples pursue with passion and love.
(3) You make sexual promises you never intend to keep. This is actually a big complaint I hear from husbands. Their wives either tease sexually or promise sex "soon" -- but then rarely follow through.
Some guys even describe this as a mild form of torture, like setting an ice cold glass of water in front of a man who has been crawling around in the desert. But he never actually gets the water.
He just has to stare at it. Wonder what it would be like to enjoy it.
(I had one man email me this lengthy analogy that sex deprivation in his marriage was like being a starving man chained to a bed in a bakery, but he never gets any bread. He is forced to constantly see the baker baking the bread and smell the bread. But he never gets even a morsel.)
Anyway, I think you get the picture.
The other problem with making sexual promises that you don't keep is that it fuels distrust in the very relationship where you need trust the most.
It causes division, not unity. If your husband doubts your sincerity in sexual availability, he likely doubts your sincerity in other aspects of love -- even if he would never speak those reservations out loud.
(4) You're not willing to understand what sex means to him.So many women assume that sex is just sex for a man -- it's just a release and intense sexual pleasure, but it doesn't have much to do with an emotional or spiritual connection.
Wrong , Especially for the majority of husbands I hear from. Sex isn't just sex. Some husbands are so pained by their wives not understanding the significance of sex that they have asked God to take their sex drive away.
If you have used wide brush strokes to paint your husband into a corner, stereotyping him as nothing more than an animal bent on simply responding to his sexual urges, you have not been fair to the man you love.
(5) You think every sexual request he makes is rooted in porn.Before you think I don't recognize that porn has caused huge devastation to marriages, please remember that I do blog about sex. I hear about and read about many circumstances where porn has in some cases destroyed marriages.
BUT.
We have to be careful in thinking that particular sex acts or positions are inherently wrong simply because they also appear in pornography. Yes, you need to search God's Word and your hearts. No, it's not okay for one spouse to force another spouse to do something or to hurt their spouse, all in the name of sexual pleasure.
But there are a lot of married couples enjoying different positions, oral sex, sex toys, etc. In those situations, pornography is not at the root of that enjoyment.
(6) You just go through the motions but never really show up.If I had a buck every time I hear from a husband who says that he doesn't just want her body, he wants her, I'd be a rich woman.
If your husband is like most, when you offer him obligatory sex or you just treat it all like a big chore to check off your list, he is dying a bit on the inside.
Some wives may say, "Well, what's it really matter any way? He can't tell whether I'm into it or not. I fake it."
In looking back over the above examples of selfishness, do you see any where you can begin to be a little less selfish?
Baby steps count. Take enough baby steps toward nurtured sexual intimacy and you'll be astonished at what it does for your marriage.
Husbands.
(1) You are just in it for your own satisfaction.Imagine for a moment that every (or nearly all) sexual encounters you have end with NO orgasm. No tingly feelings. No release. No mountaintop experience.
That. Sounds. Horrible. Right? Well, if you are focused only on your sexual climax and aren't making sure your wife gets to hers, it's no wonder your wife sees sex as one big chore.
If she is not climaxing in most of your sexual encounters, then it might be that you are selfishly consumed only with your orgasm. One and done.
Yes, I know. Sometimes, she is the one who isn't interested in having an orgasm, but I do hear from plenty of women who wish their husbands would pay a bit more attention to making sure she gets there.
(2) You rarely or never respond to her initiation.
Maybe you're that guy who has a wife who initiates, subtly expresses her sexual desire for you or even comes right out and says, "I really want to have sex tonight." And you do nothing. No interest. No response.
You handle her comments and initiation as if they are nothing more than a passing phase. That's selfish. And it's sinful. It's blatant disregard for 1 Corinthians 7.
I know that the reason some men ignore or back down from their wife's sexual initiation is because of struggles with desire, erectile dysfunction, stress and so forth. I am in no way minimizing the legitimate physical and emotional issues that take a toll on sexual intimacy from a man's perspective.
Even so, though, if that describes you, you owe it to yourself and her (and your marriage in general) to explore why those struggles are happening and possible solutions.
Through honest dialogue with your wife, you likely will discover a woman who wants to support you and reassure you. But you can't just keep ignoring her. That's not going to work.
(3) You're not willing to understand what sex means to her.I don't know what sex means to your wife, but I would be willing to bet it might be different than what sex means to you.
For some wives, sex is reassurance. For some wives, sex is what reminds her that you are in this thing called life together. For some wives, sex is a release of stress and the embodiment of love all wrapped into one. Seek to understand what sex means to her.
(4) You aren't pulling your weight around the house.I know this is beyond cliche, but the truth is, most cliches find their roots in this thing called truth.
If you're expecting her to take care of everything with the house, the kids, the in-laws, the errands, the soccer practice, the "we are out of milk again," the bills, the homework and so on, well that's just a huge drag on her sexual desire.
I'm not here to give you commentary on how division of labor should work in your home.
Just make sure it's not all on her. Because if it's all on her, she probably has little interest, time or energy to get naked with you when the lights go down.
(5) There are ulterior motives behind your compliments.Every now and then I hear from wives who feel their husband is complimentary toward her only when he wants sex.
If your compliments find their foundation in an ulterior motive, she saw the pattern in your compliments long ago. The gig is up.
It hurts her. And possibly even angers her. Plain and simple, compliments that are dripping with the sting of ulterior motive are never going to arouse her. Try a different approach -- one that is authentic and affirms her regularly, not just when you want to get busy beneath the sheets.
(6) You insist on things always being your way.I get it. There are certain sexual positions or experiences you like more than others. But sex can't always be on your terms.
Sexual intimacy in marriage needs to be a place of mutual learning and awareness. It simply has to be the right mix of selflessness and selfishness, where sexual needs and desires are not just acknowledged, but pursued.
(1) You are just in it for your own satisfaction.Imagine for a moment that every (or nearly all) sexual encounters you have end with NO orgasm. No tingly feelings. No release. No mountaintop experience.
That. Sounds. Horrible. Right? Well, if you are focused only on your sexual climax and aren't making sure your wife gets to hers, it's no wonder your wife sees sex as one big chore.
If she is not climaxing in most of your sexual encounters, then it might be that you are selfishly consumed only with your orgasm. One and done.
Yes, I know. Sometimes, she is the one who isn't interested in having an orgasm, but I do hear from plenty of women who wish their husbands would pay a bit more attention to making sure she gets there.
(2) You rarely or never respond to her initiation.
Maybe you're that guy who has a wife who initiates, subtly expresses her sexual desire for you or even comes right out and says, "I really want to have sex tonight." And you do nothing. No interest. No response.
You handle her comments and initiation as if they are nothing more than a passing phase. That's selfish. And it's sinful. It's blatant disregard for 1 Corinthians 7.
I know that the reason some men ignore or back down from their wife's sexual initiation is because of struggles with desire, erectile dysfunction, stress and so forth. I am in no way minimizing the legitimate physical and emotional issues that take a toll on sexual intimacy from a man's perspective.
Even so, though, if that describes you, you owe it to yourself and her (and your marriage in general) to explore why those struggles are happening and possible solutions.
Through honest dialogue with your wife, you likely will discover a woman who wants to support you and reassure you. But you can't just keep ignoring her. That's not going to work.
(3) You're not willing to understand what sex means to her.I don't know what sex means to your wife, but I would be willing to bet it might be different than what sex means to you.
For some wives, sex is reassurance. For some wives, sex is what reminds her that you are in this thing called life together. For some wives, sex is a release of stress and the embodiment of love all wrapped into one. Seek to understand what sex means to her.
(4) You aren't pulling your weight around the house.I know this is beyond cliche, but the truth is, most cliches find their roots in this thing called truth.
If you're expecting her to take care of everything with the house, the kids, the in-laws, the errands, the soccer practice, the "we are out of milk again," the bills, the homework and so on, well that's just a huge drag on her sexual desire.
I'm not here to give you commentary on how division of labor should work in your home.
Just make sure it's not all on her. Because if it's all on her, she probably has little interest, time or energy to get naked with you when the lights go down.
(5) There are ulterior motives behind your compliments.Every now and then I hear from wives who feel their husband is complimentary toward her only when he wants sex.
If your compliments find their foundation in an ulterior motive, she saw the pattern in your compliments long ago. The gig is up.
It hurts her. And possibly even angers her. Plain and simple, compliments that are dripping with the sting of ulterior motive are never going to arouse her. Try a different approach -- one that is authentic and affirms her regularly, not just when you want to get busy beneath the sheets.
(6) You insist on things always being your way.I get it. There are certain sexual positions or experiences you like more than others. But sex can't always be on your terms.
Sexual intimacy in marriage needs to be a place of mutual learning and awareness. It simply has to be the right mix of selflessness and selfishness, where sexual needs and desires are not just acknowledged, but pursued.